Discussing Adoption Intentionally

Adopting Intentionally – Day 7

For 31 Days I will blog about Adopting Intentionally, you can find an overview and links to daily posts here.


Adoption is both private and intimate and simultaneously public and a decision that is shared.  As we examine deciding to adopt intentionally, it is so important that you are able to discuss your decision at the beginning of the process. 

When Andrew and I were in the deciding phase we decided to primarily process and discuss with one another.  The more sure we were of our decision, the more we slowly began to discuss it with others.

Those initial discussions proved to be so important, they drew us together in our understanding of adoption, led us clearly to the right kind of adoption for us, and prepared us for the interviews and paperwork that lay ahead.

Your initial discussions lay a foundation for your adoption.

We like to set aside time to go out and discuss without distraction.  We like to walk and talk, or drive to the ocean and park and talk.  When we intentionally set aside time to connect we find we are able to go deeper and cover more territory.

Think about what is important to talk about, and really allow yourselves to discuss:

  • Why are you choosing adoption?
  • How does it feel to step out and welcome a child into your home?  What scares you about this?
  • What questions do you have about the biological family?
  • How do you feel knowing that the biological family may be different from yours ethnically?  socioeconomically? What feelings do you have around this?
  • What does it feel like to know that your child will have a different genetic make up?  Will you be comfortable not knowing some of the information? 
  • What if the biological family has mental or emotional disorders in their history?  What concerns you?  What can you handle?
  • What if the child has special needs? or special medical needs?  What do you feel like you can handle?
  • What kind of relationship do you think would be healthy with your child’s biological family?  Could you see yourself having an open adoption?
  • What are your feelings about biological parents who give their children up for adoption?
  • What parts of the adoption do you feel like you wish you could control?
  • What will bring you disappointment in the process?
  • Are you scared of growing attached to a child and then not being able to adopt them?
  • How does adoption fit into your family plan?  Is this a healthy plan for any other children?
  • What scares you?
  • What excites you?
  • What do you think is the next step forward for you and your family?

The process of answering these questions can be uncomfortable.  Even writing the questions feels “wrong” at times.  In the same way sometimes the way you answer these questions will feel “wrong.”  I encourage you to intentionally look at the feeling behind the feeling. 

For instance why does it feel wrong to say that you feel like a birth mother is abandoning her child?  That can feel wrong because you are making a judgement about someone else.  It can also feel wrong because it may not be true.  Look at your feelings, find the truth . . . and find your truth.

This process is important, it is intense, and it is intimate.

May you discover intentionally more about yourself, your partner and your world.


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